Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Feast of Stephen Colbert

Six months had passed since those events on Bruce. In the intervening time, some things had happened within our merry band of Killing Time.

Gothess had returned to her mission to find the Mighty Xylophone of Wendy, which, I had come to learn, was inappropriately named, as it was actually a tuba created and owned by someone named Sylvia, but I will never pretend to understand Clockworks.

Lestor had set off on a trip to Vloom Major Gamma with Khanteey with the statement "See you in about a century." This was, however, not to be the case, as he returned about a week later, sans companion or TTC, remarking only that he'd "forgotten where he'd parked them."

Sabrae was kind enough to give him a lift to New Gallifrey, where, last we heard, he was commissioning a new, custom Capsule, having driven seven of the most renowned TARDIS builders there to the point of being dribbling shells of Time Lords and one to simply give up on existing altogether, based on his frequent requested changes.

After dropping Lestor off, Sabrae proceeded to go on an extended sabbatical on Knikkalbak, given its naturally occuring oceanic dark roast.

It should be noted at this time that Knikkalbak is, in fact, now a desert planet. This process took my sister approximately three weeks time, though she did regenerate in the middle, which is likely why it took so long.

Tristan and Skippy set off for parts unknown, though it is likely they are linked to the Great Traffic Cone Disappearance of 2017 on Earth.

Rowan, having realized that my TARDIS was apparently a bad influence on Nereid, also took a leave of absence. It was during this time, she materialized in London in 2012, during the openning ceremonies of that year's Olympic Games. Her chameleon circuit, working properly, took a proper form... The Torch, which she'd accidentally materialized around prior to it's lighting. This, of course, meant that it was Nereid that was lit that evening. I understand she's still nursing a bit of a grudge.


This left sapphire, emerald and myself.

We decided one morning that we wanted to go and witness one of the most important moments in Terran history: the invention of Silly Putty.

And so, I set the trans-temporal coordinates and we entered the vortex.

Upon materialization, we discovered we had not arrived in the proper place in space-time. We had, instead, materialized in Cardiff, specifically Roald Dahl Plass, in 2014. Additionally, my capsule had jumped from SL space into N space.

Upon leaving the TARDIS (which had, for unknown reason, taken the form to a caravan), we were greeted by a rather excited (more accurately irritated) bloke with a clipboard and a sizable pair of headphones on. Though speaking English, it was clear he was American by his mangling of the language. We managed to get him calm enough to make sense and he began explaining what was going on.

We had materialized in the filming area of a Terran television programme called "Professor Relativity", which is clearly a thinly veiled attempt by me to avoid another lawsuit.

It seems they were filming the annual Christmas special, and they were introducing both a new star (as the programmes lead character underwent a periodic change in appearance, referred to as "having a cast change") and a new associate of the Professor. The actors portraying them, apparently someone named "Depp" and someone named "Colbert" respectively, had a bit of a falling out over the fact that I needed a plot point here.

And so, it fell to us to reconcile them so as the shoot could continue.

There is an old saying on Tau Epsilon Bernard:

"If people cannot resolve their differences over a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, then have another. If they cannot resolve their differences over a second Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, then have a third. If they cannot resolve their differences over a third Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, let them have a fourth, but it is legally required and environmentally smart to burn their bodies after."

And so. sapphire, emerald and I wrangled the two stubborn actors into my Time Travel Capsule and down to the pub, where we all began drinking and trying to work out their differences.

This, of course, worked marvellously, and the five of us have little memory of what happened after the first round, nor how or why Depp's underpants are, to this day, stapled to the wall of the pub.

However, in the end, the differences were worked out and the production continued apace.

The three of us left, having been struck by the Christmas spirit of the programme, decided to celebrate Christmas (calendars having no purpose within a TARDIS, the time of us doing this was arbitrary) with the traditional naked wrestling in chocolate syrup.

Oh....

Incidentally, a happy Christmas to all of you at home!

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